How it Began | Anxiety Diaries

So I think it all really started when I discovered how two faced my friends were and how everyone was so self obsessed.  I've always been someone who cares more about friends than myself, hence why none of my friends used to know how I was actually feeling about things.  I've never been one to suffer from anxiety and  I only ever had panic attacks when I was sick.

Until that day it was...  A normal Thursday at work, I was getting pretty excited for my 20th birthday on the Sunday and had loads of plans to go out all over the weekend to celebrate.  All of a sudden for absolutely no reason I found myself panicking and the more I tried to calm myself the more I panicked.  My work is an office with 17 people in so I went out to the toilet to give myself time on my own - like I normally do. Usually that little break away from my computer clears my head a bit, but not then. 

I found myself in the cubical thinking what the hell is wrong with me?  What is making me panic?  That's when the cubical seemed too small and I had to get out.  I went for a bit of air quickly to see if that helped at all and I thought to myself 'this is ridiculous, I'm just going to go back to my desk and I'll calm back down when I carry on with some work'. Off I went back inside, I think I was only sat there about 2 minutes but it felt like 10. I tried concentrating on the work but I couldn't so I thought I would reply to an email but I just couldn't get my brain to concentrate and think of what to write. That's when I thought about how I was going to overcome it. It felt like it was never going to end. Was I going to panic forever? I'm not scared of dying or anything like that so that never crossed my mind. 

There was no way I could sit there any longer. I walked up to my line manager and asked to speak to him in the kitchen. I couldn't say about it in front of the whole office! When we got into the kitchen I was sweating and shaking ridiculously. My line manager said I looked and sounded awful and said we should go for a walk around the grounds and maybe that will help. He was so helpful that day and I really don't know what would have happened if he didn't give me all those tips on how to calm down. 

After about an hour of walking/sitting on a bench, I still wasn't in the frame of mind to work. I felt so bad because he had so much to do so I told him I was going to go home and try and sort myself out for tomorrow. I didn't want him to have to get behind with work because he was trying to make me feel better. 

I thought it was just a bad day and that if I went home and slept I would wake up completely fine. I got my uncle to pick me up and briefly told him about what had happened because I had only been at work for 2 hours. He tried to reassure me but all I wanted to do was cry and because I hate showing other people my emotions, I held them back and thought 'I'll go home and go to my room and have a cry and a sleep and it'll all be better'. 

My uncle dropped me home and both my mum and dad had the day off work so he came in to say hi. I went straight into the other room where my parents followed me asking what had happened. That's when I just fell into my mums arms crying, panicking and shaking. I'd just like to say I haven't properly hugged my mum since I was about 13, let alone cry in front of her so this was extreme.

After being reassured by both my parents and once I had calmed down a bit, I was left in the room alone. It was so weird, well its hard to describe because I had never felt like that before. I can't really remember much for a bit then, but I remember panicking again and my dad kept trying to tell me that it was only a panic attack and that they've all had them and I will be ok. I can't remember why but I remember my older sister turning up with my niece and I couldn't sit in the same room as them, I was too embarrassed because I was a complete mess, shaking, crying, sweating and breathing like a 70 year old smoker. 

Once I was calm and I think it was a couple hours later my mum said I had a doctors appointment now and we had to go, I couldn't leave the house for about 15 minutes - I've honestly never been so scared in all my life. I finally got into the car and I remember panicking the whole way there (and back).  Then we were parked outside and I was absolutely petrified, I couldn't go in. My mum and dad got out and went on in and I remember thinking 'what the fuck? They can't go in without me! And I can't be sat in this car on my own.' So I rang my mum like a needy child and then the receptionist of the medical centre came out and helped me get into the doctors room, we went round the back so no one would see me. She was so kind and I'm ever so grateful. 

In the doctors room, the doctor prescribed me some pills to take to calm me down. Was that it? A couple of pills would make this all end, I would be fine to go to work tomorrow and this would never happen again? 
Wrong.. It's now 2 months on and I am just about ready to go back to work again. 

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Abigale xo


  1. I think it's so lovely and inspirational how more and more people are coming out about their experiences with mental health. This was a really refreshing post, just giving the short and simple answer to how your story started and I'm so proud of you, even though I'm a stranger, for speaking out. I have written the odd post about mental health myself including about how I felt towards my full diagnosis ( and my experience with domestic violence. But this has inspired me to go more into depth with my anxiety, as I don't mention it much. So thank you! Keep blogging! xo

    1. Aw thank you so much! That's the kindest thing anyone has ever said! Definitely checking out your blog right now xx

  2. I just found your blog a few days ago, and I like reading it! I also like that you spoke about your anxiety. I have a new blog which is mainly fashion, but I also want to focus on social anxiety and how I try to overcome it on a day to day basis :-)

  3. Abbie, thanks for sharing this. I have always been interested in personal issues such as this because I suffered it too. I'm still unsure if I'm getting better but I keep pushing myself to overcome it. I want to write the same thing on my blog, so you've inspired me to be more open. I hope you're getting better and please update us with your panic attack issue, if you don't mind. I'm sure a lot of people want to read it. Let's keep in touch, girl! :)

    1. Me too, I don't think I'm fully over it yet but I have to try. Thanks so much! I'm following your blog now so I can't wait to read if you do post about it xx